Coming out can be challenging to say the least, yet moments of release throughout that journey can be a blessings like no other.

Chuck Hopper (Soft Honey)

“Holy Grace”

I grew up in rich Christian churches with large congregations and the immense pressure to be like everybody else. I taught Sunday school and youth group on Tuesdays. My bible had many dog eared pages and I was a strong advocate for prayer in the face of any and all indecision. My faith was sometimes stifling.

When I needed a second to myself I would sneak away to the shower. It became the one place I could be alone. I would soak in the hot water until the steam filled up the room. Letting my worries be carried swiftly down the drain, I would pray.

And since then I’ve come out, and well that, thats been an experience, when you’re queer the fact that you are different, just existing can stir up confrontation. Often they preach that “Love is love, but also it seems like in practice some love is too sweet and too soft, my sticky love, queer love, all that gay love, we poke holes in a whole bunch of heteronormative plots, so I guess love is love, but just don’t stir the pot, don’t stir the pot?

I haven’t been back to church in a while. Gradually my time in the shower has become more of a personal debrief, I don’t pray but I am quiet, I am patient with the pace of my own thoughts and I digest my day slowly. I’ve cried, laughed, made love and been made love to all under hot water. The shower is still my holy place.

Holy Grace, holy grace I’m most at ease in the shower, Hot water always seems to make my demons cower. The shower has always been a holy place. I use to pray to his holy grace—Gay Jesus —looking for answers. Now I’m grown and I’ve taken part in some unholy things in the shower. I’m a strong advocate for showering with a friend, Don’t let those water droplets go to waste. I close my eyes and tilt my head to the sky, Deep understanding from wet hands as they grip wet thighs. Her name a sacred prayer exalted on high. I’d still call it a place of worship, We’re synchronized and we’re moving.

I guess i’m just, Just queer and I’m happy. I’m queer and I’m happy. I’m queer and sometimes I let folks call me daddy and I like it. And yes, I know the term ‘daddy’ is a problem all on it’s own, But I’m just happy I finally came home, I’m queer and I’m happy. Water rebirth me. There’s an essence, there’s an urgency to water droplets. Catch me as I fall. Catch me as I am. Freely as I come. Hot water Turn it up Turn it up. Hot water Turn it up. Turn it up. grieving weekly for the old me, I light a vigil for the me I use to be. Candle lit washrooms, In the daylight, Coconut Oil cleanser delight. Hot water consumes me. Washes over me. Insecurities leave down the drain freely as they came. i catch a reflection of myself, Mmm i’m buttery brown, Pecan pie, Tantalizing. There I go, Tweet and Missy on repeat. Steam uplift me, Counsel and caress all the tender places